Even 60 years ago people were concerned about the focus of society on youth, the increasing life span, and the quality of life for the elderly. I'm particularly interested in this essay because I've started working with the elderly for Dignity Therapy. Let's see what Ms. Arthur has to say...

Even the most saintly have asked at some time, “Why are so many old people difficult to get along with?” Dr. Erwin Ackerknecht of the University of Wisconsin believes he has the answer: “Two thirds of old persons feel unwanted, and many of them are right.”

Psychologically, our society is geared to the young. Movies, sports, advertisements, fashions all stress the importance of youth, and we give the elderly less of a role to play than any other older generation ever had. At the same time the life span is increasing. This extra time can be years of tragedy unless younger people help their elders overcome the frustrations of old age.

The day when some older person’s attitudes or actions conflict with you own, stop and ask: What do older people want to get out of life?

Years ago a member of the Society of Friends summed up the basic needs of the aged simply and succinctly: “Somewhere to live, something to do and someone to care.”

How can you help your relatives fulfill these basic desires? You can do nothing at all unless you put yourself in an older person’s place. To do so you must rid yourself of the misconceptions about age.

One misconception is that old age makes people different. Most of us assume that putting on grandmotherhood automatically assures a halo of sweetness and light. Or we take the opposite view: that old age makes people crabbed.

Any elderly person has taken a long time to get the way he is, and he is going to remain that way. The father who was a young autocrat at the breakfast table will remain so. The mother who was frivolous and vain in her younger years is not going to turn automatically into a self-effacing granny. And, of course, the man or woman who has always pulled his own oar is going to try to keep on doing it.

Another major misconception is that the old like to be in a safe and cozy nest. This probably accounts for more unhappy relationships than anything else. No older person likes to have his life planned for him, whether his children tuck him away in an old people’s home or put him in a gilded cage. Dr. Lillien J. Martin who entered the field of old-age counseling when she herself was 69 and continued in it till she died at 91, used to say many older people are forced into loss of self-assurance by their offspring. “Children,” she said, “may coddle aged parents not only out of concern for them but also because they really want their parents to live restricted lives so they will not interfere.”

Most older people, Dr. Martin found, are remarkably tough and capable, even if they have physical limitations. In our anxiety to spare them worry and make them comfortable we underestimate their capacities and undermine their initiative. Plan with, not for, old people. To accept direction — very often correction — from those you used to have authority over in the diaper and romper state is a soul-trying process.

When we say “tolerance must be mutual,” we usually mean we expect older people to abandon some cherished activity when interferes with one of ours. Most of us can say of a teen-ager who has difficulty in adjusting to life: “It is because he is an adolescent. He’ll get used to things.” People of 70 or 80 are also entitled to have periods of adjustment: they have spent a lifetime accumulating habits and patterns.

If Grandfather refuses to stop smoking in bed, or Grandmother won’t change the fashion of her clothes, neither one is doing it to annoy you. They may be biologically too old to change their ways, or they may be making an effort to adjust themselves and haven’t yet succeeded.  If you don’t force them, the result is likely to be a bitter, dejected individual.

There is no reason to feel guilty if you are apprehensive about sharing your home with your parents or in-laws. There are other ways of honoring your father and mother besides giving them a place at your fireside. Nor need you feel you must do for your older relatives what they did for theirs. Two or three generations had a much better chance, 50 years ago, of living amicably together. When households overflowed with children and space, there was always ample work and ample room for elderly relatives. Machine housekeeping has taken away much of that solace of the old.

If your older relative wants to cling to the living quarters where he’s been content for so long, stand up for him. Older people value their own homes first, and privacy at all costs anywhere.

If you are the one on whose shoulders it will fall to make a decision there is only one safe rule to follow. If an aging individual doesn’t want to live with you or someone else, it is more economical, in terms of the eventual strain that will develop on both sides, to help him stay where he wants to be, even if dollars-and-cents expenditure is greater.

Where an elderly person lives is not the major consideration. Making him know he is valued is all that counts. You can ask advice or confide your troubles to him. You can make such a simple gesture as asking a relative to write down his memories of family history or to preserve family heirlooms for the grandchildren. One woman stimulated her whole community when she asked people over 70 to talk before her club about their relics of pioneer days. This exhibition, now held annually, gives young people a chance to hear about local history and to respect their elders who shaped it.

If you want to get along with older people, whether they live in your home or not, discuss all grievances openly, even if there’s danger of hurting their feelings. If you treat the elderly as if they were too eccentric or too old-fashioned to know what to do, you will only strengthen their conviction that they are being abused. If you bring pressure to bear through doctors, nurses or family counselors when they are facing a devastating break in long-established routine, they will feel you are persecuting them.

To prevent this, be candid. Older people can stand more shocks than younger ones think they can. What they can’t bear is to feel baffled and helpless because well-meaning relatives too often act as if crises in family life ought not to be discussed with them.

Learning to live in amity with older people is a challenge that is worth more than passing study. For, even if it doesn’t face you right now, remember that you are going to be “an older person” yourself someday.



My comments

The author of this essay makes some sweeping assumptions about the elderly that I don't think apply to each and every person as they get up in years. But I still think she makes some good points.

For example, she says they want “Somewhere to live, something to do and someone to care.” Isn't that what we all want, regardless of age?

The suggestion to ask the elderly person about their memories is recommended today by Mayo clinic for caretakers of the elderly.

One idea that I had never thought of, but that seems obvious now, is her comment about the mechanization of the household. Look at the picture at the top of the essay. Grandma doesn't need to sit and knit sweaters anymore since we can buy a cheap ones imported from China. Grandma's job of rocking on the front porch  shelling peas is gone too. No need to do that if the peas are bought shelled and frozen, right?

I think the advice in this essay boils down to this: treat the elderly the same as you would if they were not elderly. Let them take the lead in determining where and how they live. Let them continue to contribute to the family and community. Take care of physical and mental issues with as little disturbance to their routine as possible. (Although the sleeping in bed thing would be non-negotiable in my house.)

Makes sense to me! Do you think this approach would lead to happier elderly people and happier caretakers?

Growing Pains

On my list of New Year's resolutions was: "Be more patient with my daughter, Janet. No matter how irritating she is, remember that, afterall, she is only 15 and is going through the exasperating period of adolescence."

Imagine my feeling when, quite by accident, I came across Janet's New Year's resolutions and saw at the head of ther list: "Try and be more patient with Mother."

Contributed by Mrs. C. R. Knowles.

I totally get this one. The other day my 13-year-old daughter said to me, "I don't know why but even when you are sitting there doing nothing you are so annoying that I can hardly stand it!"